At the start of this year I hit the four year Widow anniversary – four years of being not only widowed but single as well. Yes I know! Single for years. YEARS! More on that in my Widowed Dating post.
Although four years to anyone who has not lost a spouse or romantic partner can sound like an eternal black hole, I clearly needed that time to get to a place of opening my eyes fully once more. Which I feel this year, is happening. Sometimes when the mother ship gets sucked through the vortex it needs a little tender care. Mine certainly went through its MOT and now I am working out where each anxiety comes from, every trigger to be addressed and not shied away from. This year I will BE MORE and LIVE MORE. And hopefully not be as single as I feel it is the right time to share my life with someone again. Despite the list of benefits here stated!
When going through this journey I have carried a lot of emotional weight and some of that has been mine, some from relatives and some I think from my husband. Now I feel ready to step out from the grief and make some bolder moves. At first we just survive, survive, survive. Those first minutes, hours, days to make it through. Then weeks, then months and finally years.
I owe deep gratitude to many of my friends, (mostly single, or moms or single moms!), who have stepped in and out of my life providing fun and adventure – many laughs and sounding boards when needed. It is my honour to be a friend of these people and I will love them forever.
Health wise – well, firstly I have been smoke free for three and a half years. Smoking is something you miss but you know you can’t go back to – like certain exes. It is an abuse of the body, mind and time. You have better things to do than stare off into space ruminating over events cultivating your eventual slow death. After fifteen years apparently it will be like I never smoked at all. I wish that would hurry up. I regret smoking – probably the only thing I carry regret over. But hey – I am free and continue to be, for that also deeply grateful.
I’ve also had a journey with weight gain and weight loss. Having always been of slim build no one really believes me or bats an eyelid but I know the difference between being a size 8 and then suddenly a 12-14. Thankfully I feel so much better, slimmer and having just been for a bridesmaid dress fitting happy to confirm that YES I will be in my size 8 dress on the day despite a few tight bits and probably post-dinner sucking in. I am a SIZE 8! This is the size I feel most natural, happy and confident. Three things I am nourishing in life these days and certainly focus goals for 2020.
Your deceased partner will always be in your memories and if you choose – in your heart. Whatever their life story was it came to an end. But yours does not have to.
I would love to hear how other people have fared – how do you feel at your marker? However long or short a time as a Widowed person, let me know! x