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I Always Think I Have Time

Yesterday was incredibly difficult. My Son ran around the house in Pajamas telling me it felt like Christmas without the good bits. My Sister called and said the same. She went out onto deserted streets for air and found the local Costa to be open. It was the only place with people in it.

Well, this country certainly knows how to draw something out. It was really very sad, I cried and felt like a sack of potatoes for twenty four hours.

It wasn’t just the Queen’s funeral that caused it although I know I can’t get through a funeral without crying my eyes out no matter whose it is. The biggest trigger of my lament is that I am also in the cavernous depth of empty nest syndrome – this being the first weekend at university for my daughter. I don’t know why I feel so strongly about it I don’t have a completely empty nest and I have plenty of fresh plans to be arranging. I knew daily life was going to change again and that someone was going to leave, (more than I knew the last two times someone left), and yet still, here I am, walking aimlessly around the house talking out to no one in particular. Not being able to wake her up in the morning and give her coffee and pancakes in bed. Not hearing the familiar rush of the shower and that little songbird voice. I am too much of an emotion magnet for several big changes at once.

I always think I have time but eighteen years has just flown by. My son is still with me but even he is halfway through his childhood now. How can it be that people grow so fast and time passes in the blink of an eye? A life is so very fleeting, when you think about it. Ever since my husband died and then my father, I’ve been more acutely aware of that ticking clock and what it really means to “drift”.

As a result I’ve spent as much time as possible with both my children – they have never been with nannies or breakfast club or after schools. They always get me. As a one parent family I think it is absolutely vital although I realise, for many, impossible. But even that duty comes to an end eventually.

Twenty years no longer feels like a long time and the whole world seems a little upside down.

Grieving is tiring.

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